I feel compelled to share the insights that I have gained over the last few months. I was out with a very special person in my life last night and we were talking about my post on "Dating in Seattle".... I feel that it is time for a re-write :)
First off I would like to share that if you have never been single for a period of longer than a couple months, or longer, you should try it! It really gives you time with yourself and figure out what you believe and what you want in life... That said I have come to many realizations about myself over the last few months. First, as wedding gowns are very beautiful, I do not believe in marriage. I think that if you are living happily with someone and things are extraordinarily wonderful then why would you feel you need a piece of paper to "make official" your relationship. In my eyes marriage should have stayed in the medieval times. That said I do not believe in monogamy. I would like to know who sat down and decided that the human spirit/soul/etc. could only be in a loving relationship with one person. Can it happen? Hell yes, but for it to be a "social norm" is something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around. You can never own a person, their spirit, or even their love. I have no expectations where romantic relationships are concerned. I have come to find peace in letting things go, and be, as they will be. If it turns out that I spend the rest of my life with one person than that is wonderful, if not that is wonderful too. I feel that as humans we put too many expectations on things. On happiness, work, our children, lovers, friends, etc. There seems to be such a need to "control" our lives that in engulfs our very being. It's a strange paradigm but by letting go and "giving up the control" to a higher power, if you will, is so freeing. I feel freer now than I ever did when I was trying to control how people, things, feelings, etc. were going in my life. I have no control, and really none of us do.
I have had many people try to label me to one specific group or another, or try to figure out "my type" if you will. The truth is, as most of you know, I hate labels. If we feel we can describe a person under one umbrella of other people would it make us more inclined, or declined, to get to know them? I have come to find that there is no norm, in any aspect of life. We are all unique; yes we may share some similarities but no one person is exactly like any other person. So isn't it a time for the social constructs that we have been gripping to so tightly to finally go? I think so.
Bear with me here I have a lot on my mind and will be jumping around from topic to topic. Hahaha.... really just my evil genius plan to annoy the crap out of you :D *super big, but evil, smile*
Oh jealousy jealousy jealousy..... What can anyone really say but..... WTF? I have only been able to really answer this by experiencing and letting go of it first hand. Let’s think about this for a minute. Why would someone get jealous? God a million reasons, right? Maybe one partner is being "unfaithful" to the arrangements that they had both decided there relationship would be based on (i.e. monogamous relationship, etc.) and their insecurities and dishonesty makes them suspect their partner. Or maybe one person is sooo insecure that it starts causing problems. It feels to me that sometimes it even feels like an "ownership" thing (which might be why I dislike the idea of marriage so much as well). The list could really go on forever it really depends on what the person is going through to get to the point of "no trust" which in turn creates jealousy. So how does one let these feelings go? By letting go of control, your insecurities, being totally and completely honest with everything (even if it hurts), and by having no expectations. Sounds simple enough right? Oh boy, re-training the mind is such a fun thing... But it can be done. I have gotten to the point where I am just truly happy for people, and want them to feel and experience true happiness. I feel liberated. Like I can just love and accept situations and people as they are and wish for their true happiness, whatever that may be with no expectations. There seems to be a theme here right? Haha YeS! The expectations, bad, just cause problems.... So let go and free yourselves. I love you all deeply, and I hope that my psycho-babble made some sort of sense :)
~Anna
Listening to Silverspun
Response:
First of all, thanks for listening to & promoting us. That's amazing.
This stuff is hard to talk about honestly without sounding like a jerk.
I feel that my particular brand of jealousy rears its head when I decide I like someone "special". You already know that we have a very similar outlook regarding monogamy, and you probably have a sense of my confidence, and that I keep very busy (i.e. not lonely). And yet, if I meet someone that I think is special, I don't want them to get hurt or taken advantage of---kind of a protective reaction---and sometimes I get a strong urge to show them "how unique I am"... a polite way to say I REALLY want them to notice me. =)
So, Stage 1: I don't care who they're with, as long as it isn't some horrible jackass that is going to just hurt them. This is still rooted in fairly positive origins: interest in that person and wanting her to be happy. But the "jackass" umbrella grows over time to include more and more ("it would be so sad if she ever hooked up with that manipulative guy."). At first, it is not consciously about owning the person, but we quickly get to stage 2 where the point becomes: they should want only me! And you're predictably disappointed or frustrated if they are drawn to be with someone "lesser" or "undeserving". There must be something wrong with the girl---they're making a horrible mistake--- the ego tells me. So there's some kind of alpha male component to the jealousy.
I wonder if it is similar for other healthy-ego males. I guess we'll see from their replies.
At any rate, my jealousy instincts seem to be rooted in desire (or they are, at least, seemingly inseparable from it). So it is kind of an unfortunate by-product, since jealousy is not too helpful. Just makes you look like an ass. Similar to mind-blanks on a game show, or your body going numb during a performance... even though they are symptoms of the excitement you feel, they're not helpful in getting what you want.
Barry
My Reply:
Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat.
I found this definition for jealousy in an attempt to refrain from being "bull-headed" and I am glad that I did find it. I can understand where you are coming from and it makes sense. If you were dating some god awful bitch I would probably have the same reaction/emotions. Thanks for opening my mind a bit more ;) Love ya!
Reply:
Well, you're awesome. The whole desire / loss psychodrama is beyond me and jealousy may be the unfortunate Judas character in that complicated play.
Just curious, what would you have said that was bull-headed? Is it rooted in a difference of opinion about how jealousy should be defined? I think all interpretations work, so far. After centuries of spousal abuse, etc. jealousy has (deservedly) gotten the "just all bad" label, so maybe people still disagree / don't even know exactly how it works. It is possible that it feels and manifests itself differently from person to person depending on their gender, esteem, etc.
I've definitely seen the "because I own you" freaks as they physically beat themselves / their lover / a rival. I don't relate to those guys and never have. But I do relate to the guys that get extremely quiet, frustrated or sad when they see a someone they care about slipping away from them. Do you fight for it? Do you just let it go? It is tough. What would Bon Jovi do? =)
Love the comment about "some god awful bitch". Uber sweet. What is sobering is when "awful bitch" grows over time to include eye contact with girls at the Safeway. =)
My Reply:
I have to say I am learning a lot from you, not that it surprises me. But it is very refreshing. In terms of my "bull-headedness" (yes its not a word but..... you know you love it :D). I felt myself getting "defensive". I suppose I do view, or did view, jealousy with its not so nice face instead of it friendly face. My experiences with jealousy is more of the "I own you" kind. Which is not happy for anyone involved. Jealousy in terms of "hey why is she spending her time with an ass instead of with me because I am so much awesomness" makes great sense. You understand that you want her to be happy with a happy person who wants her to just be herself. It makes sense, I get it. I have also, unfortunatley, found that a lot of the jealousy issues I run into are based on confidence/emotional problems in that individual. "She looked at another man! Maybe I am ugly, unworthy, a loser, etc.". I appreciate your confidence and love that about you. It lets you be who you are without worry of being something you are not. I was really thinking about this today. How I used to wear masks or change my beliefs to fit another and came to this. If you like me, you have to like all of me, If you want to be with me it has to be because you love who I am. If there is something you want to change about me to make me different, than I am not the person you are looking for. It does bring up a question as to why people can't just let that be. For instance if someone wants to "change" the person they are pursuing than why are they pursuing them?!?!? What kind of sense does that make? I have no idea :P If you are wanting to change another than that would impose the fact that you know there are things you don't like about them. So why not just find someone you like? Huhhhh.... Anyway went off on a tanget there :P Just like me :)
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