My True Freedom

I saw a hawk soaring and gliding the pastel blue sky. The clouds like pillows waiting for when he decided to rest his wings. My heart wanted to fly out of my chest and soar the heavens alongside him; a spirit on the winds, un-bridled and free. Maybe it's that I have a traveler’s spirit, or that I understand something that many have forgotten. As I sit here on this fluffy, seemingly comfortable, couch, all I want is a seat that is of a tree and grass. I want the wind to dance with and play in my hair, the sounds of crickets and toads in my ears at night. When I look up into the dark sky, I want to see the moon and stars fill horizon to horizon. There is a freedom outside of these walls that we have become so comfortable to call home. Home is the grass and mud under my feet, the sweet melody of a river and gaze of a mountain, a sunset over a valley of grass, trees, and wildlife; untouched by man's inventions. I am more often than not pulled to these places. A pull that is so deep that when I do follow I meld and feel my connection to everything in this universe. What keeps me in these prisons of metal and sheetrock? I feel so disconnected from what is truly important that I try to fill my time with non-sense; occupying myself until complete exhaustion, passing out and then starting all over. What drives us to live in this way? Like were on a freight train with no certain destination, plowing through everything that is around us to enjoy. What prize is there at the end of the track? I can't imagine it is a very fulfilling one. I'd be willing to bet that you'd feel emptier than when you started. There is nothing ever to be gained, only enjoyed. And through the enjoyment we find freedom and peace. I suppose we all find our enjoyment in different places. Mine just happens to live in the eb and flow of everything that is found outside of the walls and devices we become so lost inside.

Questions of My Heart

How many times can a spirit crack before it shatters? How many times can a heart break before it becomes hard and rigid? Am I not worth the True Love from another? Do I love too intensely? My heart throbs and aches, my eyes are starting to tear... I don't want to end up like I once was. Burned... I closed off who I was, Closed off my heart. I don't want to be that person again. But how many times can my soul be pounded by the emotions of loss. It's hard not too have expectations, I am finding. How can I simply be happy intensely loving another without the return? Why can there be no return? Am I not worth it? Do I love too intensely? I am so tired, my body wants to run, my mind wants to fly, and my heart wants to engulf. I want to disappear for a while...

Our Fingerprints of Work

I just had a very profound thought that I feel inclined to share :) I have mentioned before my viewpoints on spirituality, and how I feel that we all have our own very unique spiritual fingerprint. As I was talking with a dear friend of mine today about "work" today, I realized that we all also have our very own work fingerprint. It seems to me that we all have things that we feel called to do, or are passionate about. And I am also finding that even though it may seem that we are doing the "same" job we all do that "same" job differently. This causes me to think that we have our own “work” callings, and places that we feel happy and comfortable. Someone may feel totally and completely comfortable and happy working at a Taco Bell, or in a five story office building filing papers away. She, my friend, mentioned to me after I made a comment of "why am I doing this? Who is it helping? Why would anyone want to do it!" she said that some people find peace in jobs like the one I am currently at. They feel they are to be there, that they are helping others, and doing what they are called to do. It makes perfect sense! There is a quote I found that I posted here at work and everyday I look at it and just feel kind of sad because I don’t feel I am living up to its words; it says: "The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure." I have found that I, along with countless others, do not find pleasure in what we do. I beg to ask then, what’s the point? We spend most of our lives doing our "work". So if we are unhappy with what we do, and/or feel we should be doing something differently, than are we not enjoying most of our lives? When I am dying and looking back I want to see that I was happy and followed my heart, always doing what I loved and helped others in some/any way that brought true joy and peace. I think that sounds like a fulfilled and happily joyous life indeed!
So this brings up the question of, why am I not practicing what I preach. Oh oh oh... It is actually a quite simple answer. Fear. I have spent so much of my life with people telling me that I have to do things a certain way, stepping out of that scares me to death. The truth we were talking about, however, is that it is only that first step that is scary. And believe me I see that, now I just need to muster up the courage to take that first step wholeheartedly.

What causes an attraction to another person? One could say physical attraction. Which in all its glory is completely true. But what happens after that? And what happens to some of us who get "obsessed" if you will? Why do they become like a drug that you can't get enough of? In the same sense in some cases when you have satisfied that physical attraction and gotten over the "obsession" you are left wanting to get as far from the person as you can. Is it because you never really knew who they were and it was just an animal passion that once faded, you see the real person?

Thought of the Moment....

So I have been pondering today the correlation between thinking, sex, and alcohol. Thinking in its broadest sense. Listening attentively, grasping what ones saying without forgetting or completely changing the subject, being coherent... Thinking in this aspect. I have found personally that when alcohol is concerned my basic sexual instincts come out full throttle. As I can listen attentively and grasp what ones is telling me I find it hard not to imagine "sexual" things with them. Am I the only one who experiences this? hmmm.... We are all very sexual creatures and I think this is why when people get drunk they get very flirty, sexual, flamboyant, touchy, etc.. Wouldn't it be great if everyone just dropped their walls and were like this all the time! haha Just imagine it for a moment...

Conversation on Jealousy and Life....

I feel compelled to share the insights that I have gained over the last few months. I was out with a very special person in my life last night and we were talking about my post on "Dating in Seattle".... I feel that it is time for a re-write :)

First off I would like to share that if you have never been single for a period of longer than a couple months, or longer, you should try it! It really gives you time with yourself and figure out what you believe and what you want in life... That said I have come to many realizations about myself over the last few months. First, as wedding gowns are very beautiful, I do not believe in marriage. I think that if you are living happily with someone and things are extraordinarily wonderful then why would you feel you need a piece of paper to "make official" your relationship. In my eyes marriage should have stayed in the medieval times. That said I do not believe in monogamy. I would like to know who sat down and decided that the human spirit/soul/etc. could only be in a loving relationship with one person. Can it happen? Hell yes, but for it to be a "social norm" is something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around. You can never own a person, their spirit, or even their love. I have no expectations where romantic relationships are concerned. I have come to find peace in letting things go, and be, as they will be. If it turns out that I spend the rest of my life with one person than that is wonderful, if not that is wonderful too. I feel that as humans we put too many expectations on things. On happiness, work, our children, lovers, friends, etc. There seems to be such a need to "control" our lives that in engulfs our very being. It's a strange paradigm but by letting go and "giving up the control" to a higher power, if you will, is so freeing. I feel freer now than I ever did when I was trying to control how people, things, feelings, etc. were going in my life. I have no control, and really none of us do.

I have had many people try to label me to one specific group or another, or try to figure out "my type" if you will. The truth is, as most of you know, I hate labels. If we feel we can describe a person under one umbrella of other people would it make us more inclined, or declined, to get to know them? I have come to find that there is no norm, in any aspect of life. We are all unique; yes we may share some similarities but no one person is exactly like any other person. So isn't it a time for the social constructs that we have been gripping to so tightly to finally go? I think so.

Bear with me here I have a lot on my mind and will be jumping around from topic to topic. Hahaha.... really just my evil genius plan to annoy the crap out of you :D *super big, but evil, smile*

Oh jealousy jealousy jealousy..... What can anyone really say but..... WTF? I have only been able to really answer this by experiencing and letting go of it first hand. Let’s think about this for a minute. Why would someone get jealous? God a million reasons, right? Maybe one partner is being "unfaithful" to the arrangements that they had both decided there relationship would be based on (i.e. monogamous relationship, etc.) and their insecurities and dishonesty makes them suspect their partner. Or maybe one person is sooo insecure that it starts causing problems. It feels to me that sometimes it even feels like an "ownership" thing (which might be why I dislike the idea of marriage so much as well). The list could really go on forever it really depends on what the person is going through to get to the point of "no trust" which in turn creates jealousy. So how does one let these feelings go? By letting go of control, your insecurities, being totally and completely honest with everything (even if it hurts), and by having no expectations. Sounds simple enough right? Oh boy, re-training the mind is such a fun thing... But it can be done. I have gotten to the point where I am just truly happy for people, and want them to feel and experience true happiness. I feel liberated. Like I can just love and accept situations and people as they are and wish for their true happiness, whatever that may be with no expectations. There seems to be a theme here right? Haha YeS! The expectations, bad, just cause problems.... So let go and free yourselves. I love you all deeply, and I hope that my psycho-babble made some sort of sense :)

~Anna
Listening to Silverspun


Response:
First of all, thanks for listening to & promoting us. That's amazing.

This stuff is hard to talk about honestly without sounding like a jerk.

I feel that my particular brand of jealousy rears its head when I decide I like someone "special". You already know that we have a very similar outlook regarding monogamy, and you probably have a sense of my confidence, and that I keep very busy (i.e. not lonely). And yet, if I meet someone that I think is special, I don't want them to get hurt or taken advantage of---kind of a protective reaction---and sometimes I get a strong urge to show them "how unique I am"... a polite way to say I REALLY want them to notice me. =)

So, Stage 1: I don't care who they're with, as long as it isn't some horrible jackass that is going to just hurt them. This is still rooted in fairly positive origins: interest in that person and wanting her to be happy. But the "jackass" umbrella grows over time to include more and more ("it would be so sad if she ever hooked up with that manipulative guy."). At first, it is not consciously about owning the person, but we quickly get to stage 2 where the point becomes: they should want only me! And you're predictably disappointed or frustrated if they are drawn to be with someone "lesser" or "undeserving". There must be something wrong with the girl---they're making a horrible mistake--- the ego tells me. So there's some kind of alpha male component to the jealousy.

I wonder if it is similar for other healthy-ego males. I guess we'll see from their replies.

At any rate, my jealousy instincts seem to be rooted in desire (or they are, at least, seemingly inseparable from it). So it is kind of an unfortunate by-product, since jealousy is not too helpful. Just makes you look like an ass. Similar to mind-blanks on a game show, or your body going numb during a performance... even though they are symptoms of the excitement you feel, they're not helpful in getting what you want.

Barry


My Reply:
Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat.

I found this definition for jealousy in an attempt to refrain from being "bull-headed" and I am glad that I did find it. I can understand where you are coming from and it makes sense. If you were dating some god awful bitch I would probably have the same reaction/emotions. Thanks for opening my mind a bit more ;) Love ya!


Reply:
Well, you're awesome. The whole desire / loss psychodrama is beyond me and jealousy may be the unfortunate Judas character in that complicated play.

Just curious, what would you have said that was bull-headed? Is it rooted in a difference of opinion about how jealousy should be defined? I think all interpretations work, so far. After centuries of spousal abuse, etc. jealousy has (deservedly) gotten the "just all bad" label, so maybe people still disagree / don't even know exactly how it works. It is possible that it feels and manifests itself differently from person to person depending on their gender, esteem, etc.

I've definitely seen the "because I own you" freaks as they physically beat themselves / their lover / a rival. I don't relate to those guys and never have. But I do relate to the guys that get extremely quiet, frustrated or sad when they see a someone they care about slipping away from them. Do you fight for it? Do you just let it go? It is tough. What would Bon Jovi do? =)

Love the comment about "some god awful bitch". Uber sweet. What is sobering is when "awful bitch" grows over time to include eye contact with girls at the Safeway. =)


My Reply:
I have to say I am learning a lot from you, not that it surprises me. But it is very refreshing. In terms of my "bull-headedness" (yes its not a word but..... you know you love it :D). I felt myself getting "defensive". I suppose I do view, or did view, jealousy with its not so nice face instead of it friendly face. My experiences with jealousy is more of the "I own you" kind. Which is not happy for anyone involved. Jealousy in terms of "hey why is she spending her time with an ass instead of with me because I am so much awesomness" makes great sense. You understand that you want her to be happy with a happy person who wants her to just be herself. It makes sense, I get it. I have also, unfortunatley, found that a lot of the jealousy issues I run into are based on confidence/emotional problems in that individual. "She looked at another man! Maybe I am ugly, unworthy, a loser, etc.". I appreciate your confidence and love that about you. It lets you be who you are without worry of being something you are not. I was really thinking about this today. How I used to wear masks or change my beliefs to fit another and came to this. If you like me, you have to like all of me, If you want to be with me it has to be because you love who I am. If there is something you want to change about me to make me different, than I am not the person you are looking for. It does bring up a question as to why people can't just let that be. For instance if someone wants to "change" the person they are pursuing than why are they pursuing them?!?!? What kind of sense does that make? I have no idea :P If you are wanting to change another than that would impose the fact that you know there are things you don't like about them. So why not just find someone you like? Huhhhh.... Anyway went off on a tanget there :P Just like me :)

First off I would like to share that if you have never been single for a period of longer than a couple months, or longer, you should try it! It really gives you time with yourself and figure out what you believe and what you want in life... That said I have come to many realizations about myself over the last few months. First, as wedding gowns are very beautiful, I do not believe in marriage. I think that if you are living happily with someone and things are extraordinarily wonderful then why would you feel you need a piece of paper to "make official" your relationship. In my eyes marriage should have stayed in the medieval times. That said I do not believe in monogamy. I would like to know who sat down and decided that the human spirit/soul/etc. could only be in a loving relationship with one person. Can it happen? Hell yes, but for it to be a "social norm" is something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around. You can never own a person, their spirit, or even their love. I have no expectations where romantic relationships are concerned. I have come to find peace in letting things go, and be, as they will be. If it turns out that I spend the rest of my life with one person than that is wonderful, if not that is wonderful too. I feel that as humans we put too many expectations on things. On happiness, work, our children, lovers, friends, etc. There seems to be such a need to "control" our lives that in engulfs our very being. It's a strange paradigm but by letting go and "giving up the control" to a higher power, if you will, is so freeing. I feel freer now than I ever did when I was trying to control how people, things, feelings, etc. were going in my life. I have no control, and really none of us do.

I have had many people try to label me to one specific group or another, or try to figure out "my type" if you will. The truth is, as most of you know, I hate labels. If we feel we can describe a person under one umbrella of other people would it make us more inclined, or declined, to get to know them? I have come to find that there is no norm, in any aspect of life. We are all unique; yes we may share some similarities but no one person is exactly like any other person. So isn't it a time for the social constructs that we have been gripping to so tightly to finally go? I think so.

Bear with me here I have a lot on my mind and will be jumping around from topic to topic. Hahaha.... really just my evil genius plan to annoy the crap out of you :D *super big, but evil, smile*

Oh jealousy jealousy jealousy..... What can anyone really say but..... WTF? I have only been able to really answer this by experiencing and letting go of it first hand. Let’s think about this for a minute. Why would someone get jealous? God a million reasons, right? Maybe one partner is being "unfaithful" to the arrangements that they had both decided there relationship would be based on (i.e. monogamous relationship, etc.) and their insecurities and dishonesty makes them suspect their partner. Or maybe one person is sooo insecure that it starts causing problems. It feels to me that sometimes it even feels like an "ownership" thing (which might be why I dislike the idea of marriage so much as well). The list could really go on forever it really depends on what the person is going through to get to the point of "no trust" which in turn creates jealousy. So how does one let these feelings go? By letting go of control, your insecurities, being totally and completely honest with everything (even if it hurts), and by having no expectations. Sounds simple enough right? Oh boy, re-training the mind is such a fun thing... But it can be done. I have gotten to the point where I am just truly happy for people, and want them to feel and experience true happiness. I feel liberated. Like I can just love and accept situations and people as they are and wish for their true happiness, whatever that may be with no expectations. There seems to be a theme here right? Haha YeS! The expectations, bad, just cause problems.... So let go and free yourselves. I love you all deeply, and I hope that my psycho-babble made some sort of sense :)

~Anna

Past, Present, and Future

The past is gone, it can't be changed

The future has not come, and once it does it becomes the past

The only thing that matters is the present and what we do in each moment

The only thing we have control of is the present...

I really started thinking about this last night. I was going through my mind of all the things I needed to get done. In a sense it was kind of a waste of time, as I was wasting the time that I actually had to do something with. There is no point dwelling on the past, it is gone, over. We made whatever decision we made for a reason, even if we happened to not like the outcome. I have no regrets, I have learned little lessons from all that I have experienced. As for the future... Well I could plan and plan away but it still will not change the present. Anything can happen, sometimes our plans go as we like and sometimes not... It doesn't matter, usually our choices are never sooo extreme that they will totally end our existence. That is what re-incarnation is for right? Just in case we do something really stupid "in the moment". I guess I just wanted to share that we should all try to live in the moment more and not dwell on past memories/situations. And that even though we need to sometimes plan things in advance... leave the living for now! I know myself I am tired of saying "I want this and I want that".... Who cares!! If I am happy now and all my "now's" I strive to be happy then all my pasts and futures will be happy.

Abstract of Divinity and Religion

I tend to get into many philosophical conversations with my friends and my family. The conversation and thoughts that just seem to be lingering lately is the abstractiveness (I love making up words: P) of divinity. Let me explain, when a child comes to you and asks how god/goddess can be listening to, and answering, prayers from everyone on the planet at the same time... what would you say to them? Would you say that it is because god/goddess is such a powerful being that he can be everywhere, and do everything? This statement is still quite confusing, and very hard to wrap your mind around. It is because divinity, or the one supernatural being that created us all, is such an abstract concept that it just doesn't make sense. We try to put the concept in a confined box to explain it, which in turn makes the whole concept of divinity even more confusing. I have really been pondering this lately and here is what I think:
We all have divinity within us, around us, it is everything and nothing. Everyting combined in the entire Universe creates this power. So when we pray, or do rituals and spells where we use the gods and goddesses we are in a way praying to ourselves for help. Asking that divine light within us, and around us, to shine and help us on our paths. I don't see the need for religion. In my experience religion is a system of rules that govern the spirituality of a mass group of people. When I think of religion I can't help but think of a prison. It, to myself, is like a prison for ones spirituality. I believe that every single person has a spirituality that is unique to whomever they are, like a spiritual fingerprint if you will. With this belief religion does not make sense. Why would you put yourself into a structure where your spirituality was hindered by the rules and boundaries (and not to mention fears, is some religions)of religion? I cannot wrap my mind around this. Spirituality and divinity cannot be put in any label of any form. The ideas are so different and abstract that to try and form it into some sort of norm doesn't work. An arguement that could be made for religion is the fact that it brings together spiritually like minded individuals for community, belonging, and fellowship. I do like this aspect of religion but still don't see the need for it, could we not just have spiritual get togethers? Where we find people we connect with and just enjoy that time? I feel it to be an outmoded and stagnant system that is crumbling and soon to fall. And from the debris we will all find out true spiritual selves once again.

A Sensual Moment of a Single Mom

As I sit next to him I can feel his energy engulfing my every sense,
Like an exotic scent from a far away world full of sensuality and passion.

It pulles me closer,
Teases me,
Taunts me,
Until I can no longer hold the restraint that I am so desperately trying to keep.

My fingers caress his back and then neck,
Pulling me closer and closer
My other hand rises to trace his lips
As my lips gently caress his neck.

I can feel his heartbeat race,
Along with mine.
Energy erupting out of the both of us,
Making it harder and harder to resist the pull of
Sexual,
Sensual,
Magickal energy.

How is it we can still have constraint in this moment of pure exotic tasting energy?

He holds my face,
Kisses me, sending me deeper and deeper into a state of pure passion.

My face next to his now,
Our bodies pressed against each other,
Making every passing second hotter and hotter.

My face moves as my teeth gently play along his neck,
And then slowly bite,
Moving up to tease him further as I caress and nibble his ear with my mouth.

He moans and pulls me tighter against his throbbing body...

Then a little voice says "Hey don't kiss my mommy!"

Anna Koonce

Fat vs Skinny, Healthy vs Unhealthy

Okay so I really need to just get this out onto something before I explode! :P Some co-workers and I were in a conversation about weight the other day, and we came to the conclusion that just because you are skinny doesn't mean that you are healthy. I consider myself average, not skinny not fat. My doctor however says that for my age and height that I am about 40lbs overweight. Okay so yes I wear a size 12 jeans (I have a butt, yes it is true) but I am totally healthy. I exercise everyday (Yoga Rocks!), I don't eat junk, and I keep my mind healthy the best I can. So when I read a magazine, or hear my doctor telling me that I am overweight I can't help but think that maybe they don't care about the fact that I am healthy, but want me to be skinny. Some people could work out till they drop, and eat nothing but health food and still be a size 12 and thats okay!! Would you really rather be the unhealthy skinny girl that eats junk food 24-7? I wouldn't want to be. But you know what? I am healthy and happy, and I could really just tell my doc to jump off a bridge :P and don't even get me started on the media aspect of the whole dilemma. The United States is really suffering from an epidemic of unhealthy bodies and minds. We all have our problems, but I think that each and every being on this planet is perfect as who they are and if you are a size 12, or a size 2, or a size 24 YOU ARE PERFECT!! Don't change for anyone but yourself... this doesn't mean that "well he said I am fat and I realized that I was but I am changing for me" if it took another person to make you feel uncomfortable about who you are while you were perfectly fine a moment ago with yourself than screw 'em, if they can't accecpt you for the beautiful perfect person you are than they don't deserve you. On another note if you are happy being unhealthy than more power to 'ya. Okay done venting.... my scattered thoughts on this issue :P

Ode To Wrinkles...

As I sit here and listen to the sadness of the Olay commercial talking about how you can change your face so you don't look soo old I can't help but be disgusted. What is so wrong with aging?? It happens, it's part of life! Get over it. They say that stress partly causes aging and wrinkles, so why don't they support ways to reduce stress instead of covering up the results of it? I know someday I will also get wrinkles, and I might not, but I will be damn proud of every single wrinkle and gray hair that I earn. Thats right earn, hey I am a mom, and a single one for that fact. There is a lot of stress in my life, I try not to let it get the best of me but I am human. Bottom line we don't live forever and we can't die looking like a 20 year old, and who would want to anyway. If you are that concerned with you image than you really need to re-examine your priorities. Life is too short to sit and worry about appearances, age, clothes, and everything little. Get out and live! Quit worrying about getting old! Because it is going to happen if you like it or not.